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88 quotes by Demetri Martin

Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. Martin is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show and for his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin.
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I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was... →

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I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on... →

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My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach... →

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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

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I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other... →

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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes... →

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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

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I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be... →

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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we... →

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Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

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I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's... →

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