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35 quotes by Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone (born December 29, 1959) is an American stand-up comedian, author, actress, interviewer and commentator, known for her distinctive brand of spontaneous observational comedy. She rose to fame with a series of one hour HBO comedy specials and her backstage commentary during the 1992 presidential election on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and is now heard on National Public Radio's (NPR) weekly news quiz show Wait Wait... Don't...
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

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I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

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The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

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I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to... →

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Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

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The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

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My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to... →

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When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

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When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until... →

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I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

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I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

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President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's... →

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My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

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