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36 quotes by Robert Orben

Robert Orben (born March 4, 1927) is best known as an American professional comedy writer, though he also worked as a speechwriter for Gerald R. Ford and as a magician. He has written multiple books on comedy, mostly collections of gags and "one-liners" originally written for his newsletter, Orben's Current Comedy, and he has also written books for magicians. Robert Orben published his first gag book at the age of 18 in 1946, when he was working...
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A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that... →

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A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

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Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

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To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

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Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

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Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

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Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

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Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

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Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

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