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181 quotes by Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

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What's another word for Thesaurus?

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again... →

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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

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