I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
If Congress can move President's Day, Columbus Day and, alas, Martin Luther King's Birthday celebration for the convenience of shoppers... →
Andrew Young
Love the giver more than the gift.
Brigham Young
I'm a Virgo and I'm more - I don't want to say 'negative' - but I'm the girl who thinks no one's coming to my birthday... →
Rachel Zoe
I used to go down every year for the remembrance of Elvis' birthday. Memphis State College invited me to sit in the auditorium and speak to the... →
Otis Blackwell
To my surprise, my 70s are nicer than my 60s and my 60s than my 50s, and I wouldn't wish my teens and 20s on my enemies.
Lionel Blue
I play PC and Xbox games at home, and I just got a PSP as a birthday present.
Uwe Boll
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck