I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life... →
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Never floss with a stranger.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped... →